“How much does he loves me?”            

   **   Episode-204 “How much does he loves me?”  **          He pinned Alisa on the bed securing her hands as he pinned then down, she kept struggling, but he was kissing her neck leaving dark red marks, he was biting it as he lost his control…. She was in tears, she begged, “Ed- ah…. Edwin… stop” she wanted him to stop… but was he is the sense to stop????      Alisa’s POV:     I almost begged him, “Ed-ah…. Edwin… stop…” he can’t do this to me… I don’t want to be forced my him… I never thought he would force me, even if he does this under the drug I will hate him forever..     I was still trying to push him away, I was using my force to push him away, I was fighting to get free of his grip.. but I am failing to fight him… I was still feeling him kissing and biting my neck.. it was pleasuring but somewhat I hated it because I don’t want it…. why did I follows him here? it was a mistake….     I shouldn’t have come here looking for him, if I knew I would be in this state then I would have never followed him here…, but he is not doing this on his own will, he is under the drug…but why is he drugged…. I know he is lost every bit of his self control, I was still asking him to stop, I was practically begging him but it is not coming to me.. he is not stopping, like he can’t hear me..… but I don’t want to do this..       I heard cloth tearing voice, and noticed the dress is torn from half of my upper part… my bra was visible, so is my tattoo, his hands are touching it  and I am in tears, he whispered in raspy voice, “you are so sexy” and he was still kiss  my neck, his hands were touching my every part and I am getting tried to trying to get out of his grip, like my strength doesn’t exist against him..…   I am losing my mind as he is touching me but this is not what I want… not like this…                  I suddenly felt him picking my legs up and I tried to move away but… he is way too strong, he pulled me by my waist close to him, his hands were touching my thighs, he was going further up… I covered my face was tears are falling, I gave up on fighting back right now, like I know I have to go through this night,… my strength is getting weak in front of him.. I felt him kissing my inner thigh and I know right now I can’t escape … I will take this as a nightmare, please someone help be close my eyes and please go through this horror…. He is out of control……..             I felt him sitting to removed his shirt, I looked at him with anger and tears, his body is sweaty and his breath is hot… his eyes are darker and filled with lust, it’s not him anymore… tears roll down my eyes… my eyes met his as I am in tears sniffing, I am still glaring with anger and pain.. what can I do in front of a person who is out of sense, drunken by his desire and this drug but that doesn’t make me less angry on his.. I whispered to myself, “I will hate you Edwin….” , but I saw sudden change in his expression, his eyes are  blank of a sudden, his moments stopped.. I covered my face with my hand and directed my face away from him.. I don’t want to face him….. he got off from me and sat on the empty side of the bed, I looked at his figure with surprise, shock and relief …. He is Facing his back to me… I can see him taking heavy breath, sweaty body and tighten feast to control himself…. he STOPPED BECAUSE OF ME…     He said with lot of efforts, “lock… yourself in the bathroom…. Don’t… open … keep.. yourself away from me… before I lose it….again” his voice was husky.. he is avoiding to face me…. but his words made me alert and got up to did as he said….     I sat up, trying to hold the rags to my body hiding my half naked body, I was about to get off bed when I noticed his voice which was indicating he was extremely uncomfortable, I paused directed my face to him… I had a glance at his shaking figure as he shaking and trying to win control over his own body… he stopped because of me… he stopped because of my tears… he would have rped me brutally, here is no one to question him as he is power himself.. but he stopped because of me,  my face told him, I didn’t want it and he is still trying to control himself for me…. even though this control is hurting him… he cares for me more than himself, of there was some other person instead of him he wouldn’t have stopped… I have seen people trying to r*ape me and drug me.. but he is always the one to save me, and now he is trying to win control over his body so he won’t do something wrong to me, he still cares for my feelings…….. how much does he loved me….        If he didn’t loved me, he didn’t have cared out my approval or not… he would have satisfied himself….  he still loved me…… as much as I do…. but I am not forgiving him…. I wanted trust and transparency in this relation…. Not his pity… forgiving is not what he deserves for what he did to me, my anger is not only because he divorced me without explanation but because he tortured me since first day of this relation, but I forgot the torture and got in his arms after he asked me for love… but what I got is divorce… how can I trust you again Edwin..        Even though I hate seeing him in pain because of this drug, something is telling me he don’t deserve my forgiveness…        I heard him, “Now!... get away…” I was pulled out of my thought after his words ringing in my ears… I covered myself with the sheet and stepped down of the bed.. before I could walk to the bathroom I had a glance at him with teary eyes..         He shaking, sweating and then he landed on other side of bed covering his face with his hand,,, he must be suffering ,…… I can’t see him like this… it hurts… there is no way to help him… other than …… his shaking voice is telling me the drug is making him mess… I wiped my tears… why does it hurts to see you like this Edwin… why can’t I hate you completely after all of this…. it’s all because of the love I see in your eyes.. it’s all because the love in your eyes make my heard remember it’s own feeling …. But I can’t forgive you… but I can’t see you like this…      My tears fall as I see his this condition, he cares for me…. if it’s only me to help him out this time. Then let it be me…. I don’t want to think straight I want to ease his pain even though I will be called stupid… I don’t know why I am this messed up every time… but there is no time to stop….        I let go the sheet and walked to him, I crawled on the bed.. I was near him, he noticed me and said, “Get out!!!!!”  my inner self smiled on his words.. how much do you care for me..     I  touched his shoulder and said, “Edwin…. Let me help you…”     He looked at me for a second and turned his face down again, he said, “No…. no!,… you will regret this…”      I smiled subconsciously, he is still thinking about me…. I hugged him and rested my head on his body and said, “I won’t…..” I grabbed his cheeks and said, “Edwin.. please… don’t hurt yourself…. Let me help you..” I felt him lighten up slightly…        I made him look at me and connected my lips to his, suddenly I felt him powering as if he is losing him self, he was engulfing my mouth, he was using his tough and I couldn’t help but grab on his shoulder, this drug is really on his head, I never felt him so impatient… at one point he bit my tough and I grasped, I hit his shoulder. But I got response in feeling is finger sliding in, I flinched in pain and pleasure.. it’s been 2 years since I did something like this and he is rough.. I know it will hurt… he pinned me on bed again and this time with more force.. he pulled my hands in his one hand and was still doing sinful things with other hand… I couldn’t help but moan, at one point this feels like I am back in time… I will forget everything for tonight… and live this time as I wanted to… he became more rough with the kiss and I am already melting…. I touched his body as I am dying for this to happen myself…. I missed him so bad…. Why is he is go god at it….        He whispered, “I love you” then got rid of my clothes, soon his clothes were lying on the floor…. he wasted no more time, I felt him entering me with force and no patience, I let a scream. I looked at him with in this hot moment and he is unbelievably  sexy, I reached to tough his face and he instantly moved to kiss me without missing a trust.. this night is long, passionate and hot… and I will try to hide myself in him for just tonight…. I will be his for just tonight.. this would be fragment of our beautiful moments together as I am reliving our past….. this is my love that I gave you myself… please don’t mistake it for forgiveness, Edwin…